The Stupid Things Emmett Does
by Zephyr and Bree
Summary: Things Emmett Cullen should never attempt to do, but does anyway. Beware of screaming Edwards, flying dishes, singing Emmett's and pink underwear. Based off of 51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do.
1. Part1 1 to 6

**Disclaimer: Twilight is owned by Stephenie Meyer, obviously. The original list, 51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do, was created by the indifferent child of the earth, not us. We're just doing this for the random amusement of us and anyone who reads this.**

_**51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do; 1-3**_

_1. Spread rumors that the reason why Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella is because he is gay..._

_2...And that he has a crush on Jasper..._

_3....or Carlisle_

I strolled down the hall humming a song that Alice taught me the day before, but it soon became too good and I had to just belt it out. I never saw so many eyes staring at me then when I just shouted out, "Edward and Jasper sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g!" I'm not sure if they had a preference so I just looked around wondering if it would of sounded better if I said it was Edward and Carlisle in the sack together. I couldn't help myself I started to laugh out loud. The thing that made me stop laughing was not my classmates faces or the principal dragging me by the ear to his office but Edwards face five feet from mine. I bent over to his ear and whispered, "I bet you wish you couldn't read minds right now, don't you buddy?" I don't think I'll ever forget the look Edward gave me.

(~)(~)(~)

_**51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do; 4**_

_4. Tell Alice that pink really isn't her color_

I was sitting at our family's table in the lunch room. Edward was sitting across the table from me and Bella was on my right-hand side. I could feel it coming, a vision. In it, the first thing I saw was Emmett walking into the cafeteria in his princess way he loves so much. He came right over to me and said, "You know, Alice, that shirt looks horrid on you. Pink _really_ isn't your color. In fact, I don't think you have a color."

Edward kicked me under the table, "Is it nap time already, Alice?" He spoke, humor leaking from his voice.

"No, It's time to kill Emmett. Where is that brainless oaf!" I hissed. Just then Emmett came prancing through the door and over to us like there where no worries in this world, but little did he know Alice doesn't take advise from a moronic bear.

"You know Alice..." I didn't give him time to finish his sentence. The next thing Emmett knew he was tided to the flag pole in nothing but his PINK tiddy-whities.

I was standing there, watching him. "Well, pink certainly is your color, Emmett!"

(~)(~)(~)

_**51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do; 5**_

_5. Attempt to juggle with Esme's china_

Everyone was out hunting so it seemed to be a good time to do something Carlisle or Esme would never allow me do. Now the only thing left is to think of something to do. I've always wanted to juggle, but with what is the ultimate question. Balls are too boring, eggs are too sticky when they break, water balloons are way too wet, and I _just_ took a shower last week. Really, I don't need one this week too. No, none of those are any fun, so what's left...?

_ESME'S CHINA!_ I can't see anything wrong with that. It's not to sticky, or to wet, and it's breakable so you know this wont be boring! There is no way I'm starting with just one or two, I think I'll begin with the whole set...or five. The whole thing was going fine until I saw that pretty pink and black butterfly. I just had to try and catch it. Unfortunately, I forgot about the plates I left in mid-air until I heard the loud crash and Esme's loud screech from the door as she watched her precious china fall to the ground in pieces.

And so ends the story of Emmett Cullen.

(~)(~)(~)

_**51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do; 6**_

_6. Tell Bella that if she jumped from a great height Edward would have to change her_

Edward had been yelling Bella's name throughout the house for the last couple minutes, but I ignored him because I was way too busy playing Grand Theft Auto on my new Playstation3 game system. Why hadn't I discovered this awesomeness before? Ah that's right, I suck at this game! I was just getting up to put in my _Barbie Princess; Magical Castle_ game that I kick ass at when Edward decided to grace me with his presence.

STUPID EDWARD!!!

"Emmett, have you seen Bella?" Edward asked frantically.

I was scowling heavily when I answered, hiding the Barbie game behind my back. I was trying to block Edward from reading my mind by saying the ABC's backwards, but I got stuck after Z. "I told her to go jump off a cliff, you might want to hurry if you plan on catching her."

"You did what?" Edward said between his clenched teeth.

"I was bored and so I told her that you would have to change her if she jumped from something high like a cliff. I didn't think that she would run off like that." I shrugged sitting back down on the coach, the Barbie game still hidden behind my back.

"Emmett you--" Here Edward proceeded to call me every name under the sun, but I'll cut that out for the sake of the viewers. Ten minutes had passed before I could manage to fit a word into Edwards insane rant.

"So, you gonna go catch her or not?" I casually said as I pushed the Barbie game under the couch cushion. Edward glared and practically flew out the door. "Finally." I pulled out the game and put it in the system. "I love this game so much." Then, in a slightly lower mumble, "It's the only one I can beat."

**And here's where we have to say goodbye to the Barbie-playing-Emmett until next time. For those of you who were confused about the point of view changing, all were Emmett, except for number 4 who was the amazing Alice.**


	2. Part1 7 to 9 and a half

**The only thing we have to say is don't hate us. We couldn't help it. Emmett is just so easy to make fun of. So is Mike.**

**_51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do; 7-8_**

_7. Microwave peeps_

_8....and leave them in Jasper's favorite book_

"Pink."

"Purple."

"Pink."

"Purple."

"This is my brother, so I get to pick. Pink." I pouted, taking a couple hints for good ole' Barbie.

**--Breaking News--**

**We interrupt this story to tell you that all amazing Emmett Cullen got the all time high score on the game Princess Barbie's Magical Castle, no thanks to Edward, who kept interrupting while he was looking for Bella, who in fact was jumping off a cliff, all because of Emmett Cullen. GO EMMETT!!!**

**We now allow you to return to your story. Thank you and have a good day.**

"And this was my idea. I say purple peeps."

"I know, we get both!" I shouted as I jumped up in down, clapping my hands. A few seconds later Mike joined me as we jumped around in circle's, screeching like little girls.

At that moment, Jasper walked in, rubbing his forehead. "What are you two screeching about. I can feel your excitement a mile away!"

We exchanged glances and said, "Peeps."

Jasper sighs, "I should have known." He continues to nurse his pounding headache as he walks away. He must have seen something shiny.

I don't see why Jasper has an obsession with shiny things. Barbie is so much better. Especially Princess Barbie Magical Castle.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a peep hanging out of Mike's bookbag and I couldn't help but to say, "Ooh, look! Flavored cardboard!"

"What?"

I looked at Mike as if I'd forgotten he was there. "Oops. Never mind."

Mike and I walked over to the bookbag full of peeps and I ripped it open and happily watched as all the peeps fell to the floor. "That was my brand new bookbag!" Mike's lower lip trembled and he sounded like he was on the verge of tears.

"Look, the floor is colorful!" I said without a care.

Mike immediately forgot about his bookbag as he joined me. "Yes it is!"

"We're going to use the pink and purple ones in Jasper's book, so what are we going to do with the green and yellow and blue and white and orange and brown!" I asked as I I picked up the pink and purple ones with Mike.

"We'll make a peep pizza." Mike said, sounding very proud of himself.

"Awesomeness."

We quietly snuck to the kitchen, put the peeps in, and watched in awe as the pretty peeps went around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around until we got dizzy and had to take them out.

Once we made sure Jasper was out, we went to his room and put them in his favorite book—it said something about the civil war on the cover. Hopefully it wasn't too important.

_Three hours later..._

"EMMETT!!!"

Mike gulped. "I think it's time for me to go now."

Coward. He's like all the mean people on Princess Barbie's Magical Castle who run away when they lose. Or those kids on the street corner who run away screaming bloody murder when I try to give them candy.

_(~)(~)(~)_

**51 Things Emmett Cullen is Not Allowed To Do; 9**

_9. Call Bella's mom and tell her "The baby's doing okay" and that Bella and Edward asked him to be godfather_

I picked up the phone to call Renee. It took me about three times messing up the number before I even notice that her number was on Bella's speed dial. I never knew there was such a thing as speed dial until today. Whoever thought of this is a genius! I listen to the very catchy music coming from the other end, it kinda went like _Ring! Ring! Ring!_ Until Renee so very rudely interrupted it with a," Hello?"

"I just call you to let you know the baby's doing fine and Bella and Edward asked me to be the godfather." I mean, Bella's mother should be the first one to know, right?

"And who are you?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded calm in this murderous sort of way.

"Umm..." Well, _that_ was a very tricky question. "I dunno. I thought maybe you could tell me."

"How am I supposed to know? You're the one who called me! And how did you get my number? I'm going to call the police!"

"Oh, that helps me remember. I'm Edwards older brother and the baby's godfather now. My nineteen year old wife is the godmother. We're very responsible. We haven't killed anything in the last few hours...I think." There was only silence, so I decided to pass the time by humming the Princess Barbie Magical Castle theme song. It's really addicting, you know.

"What are you—Never mind. I really don't want to know." She paused as though she'd suddenly remembered something. "I thought I told Bella to stay safe!"

"Well, they did. They stayed safe inside each other." Once again there was an awkward silence. I was about to start humming again when she answered.

"Are you sure it's Edward and Bella's?"

"I don't know. It might be Bella's and mine..."

**Duh, Duh, Duh, Duh. Zephyr and Bree here and we're leaving you with a small cliffie just 'cause we feel like it. We'll try to get the next chapter out soon, but the trip we're taking sounds so awesome and it pains us to leave it for a single moment to type the next chapter out, but we might just consider it if we get lots of reviews...maybe. But it's your call. **


	3. Part 1 9 and a half to 20

**A/N: Do not try to microwave peeps. Their heads explode.**

_**51 Things Emmett is Not Allowed To Do, 9 ½ **_

_Previously_

"_Are you sure it's Edward and Bella's?"_

"_I don't know. It might be Bella's and mine..."_

(~)(~)(~)

"Heck, it could even be Bella's and Jasper's, though I doubt that it's Charlie's, Carlisle's or Jake's. You know what? Me buddy, Mike, has had a big grin on his face for a while; it could be his." I rambled on.

"Can I please talk to my daughter?" Renee sounded funny like there was something a matter with her, but _what_ was the question. I couldn't come up with an answer so I just called Bella instead. "Bella, you klutz, your mean mother wants to talk to you!" I could hear her struggle to get down the stairs.

"What did you say to her Emmett?" That wasn't Bella's voice. Oh, _crap_. There is a big grumpy Edward standing behind me right now. I started to hum the Princess Barbie's Magical Castle theme song to calm me down. Bella had already took the phone out of my hand.

"Bella, is that insane person you call family, right? Are you pregnant?" Renee drilled her.

"No, mom, I'm not pregnant and before you ask, the reason for me not being pregnant is not, and I repeat _not,_ because I already had the baby, or because I took your advise on being safe. We haven't done anything like that yet." Bella reassured her frantic mother.

"I'm just going to go run for my life now!" I yelled back to them as I was already half way out the door.

Bella had other plans. "Edward will you please go kill Emmett for me now?"

(~)(~)(~)

_**51 things Emmett is Not Allowed To Do,10-13**_

_10. Snap his fingers in 'z' formation_

_11. Use the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."_

_12. Snap his fingers in 'Z' formation while using the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."_

_13. In fact, Emmett is not even allowed to think about snapping his fingers in 'Z' formation, saying "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease," or doing both at the same time_

I can't believe that the stupid teacher is making us do this dumb project. How does he expect me to color this map in one day! One day! I mean it's of the whole United States!

"Emmett, that's the ocean! It's supposed to be colored blue, not orange like Texas!" Rosalie pointed out my mistake so rudely. She acts like I'm stupid are something. My IQ is of a three year old genius!

"Oh, girl please tell me you did not just say that to _me_." I snapped my fingers in a 'z' formation, putting my other hand on my hip while pouting.

"Emmett Cullen, do you know how gay you just sounded right then?" Rose asked me, looking like she was trying to decide whether or not to be shocked or laugh..

"Leave me alone you gay hating person! I can't help who I am!" I screamed as I ran from the room, while clamping my hands over my ears and shutting my eyes so hard that it hurt. "NONONONONONONONONONONO!"

"And I have to sleep with _that._" I could her Rosalie say just loud enough for me to hear and no one else. I hate being a gay vampire! Wait! What does gay mean again?

_**51 things Emmett is Not Allowed To Do; 17 & 18**_

_17. Paint Edward's Volvo tie-dye..._

_18. ...and then say it was Bella's idea_

"Are you sure this was Bella's idea?" Edward was looking at his newly tie dyed volvo with suspicion. His shiny silver volvo now was red, orange, pink, purple, and a bunch of other psychedelic colors. "I thought she hated pink."

I shift uncomfortably, remembering a certain pink underwear incident._ Stupid Pixi._ "Of course! Would I lie to you little bro?"

"Do you want the honest answer to that, Emmett? 'Cause the answer won't help you any." Edward started counting the number of times I'd lied to him. I got annoyed when he ran out of all options other than his hair. His _hair._ I mean, _come on_.

I ran over to the door and yelled inside, "Wasn't this your idea, Bella?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever Emmett."

"O—Okay." Edward said hesitantly, not really sounding like he believed her.

A few moments later, Bella came out to see what she'd just agreed to. The first words out of her mouth gave it all away. "Edward, your car is _hideous_!"

"I thought this was your—" He stopped when Bella shook her head no. "Emmett, I'm going to _kill _you."

"Well, technically, you can't kill me. I'm already dead." Maybe I shouldn't sound so cocky when he always thinks up ways to make me sound stupid. Which is stupid since I'm so much smarter. I mean, everyone knows that. I didn't even realize I was making peacock motions with my head until I noticed Bella and Edward were staring at me oddly.

"I could rip you apart and burn you. That's how I could kill you."

_Ouch._

"Well, I thought it was pretty." I huffed. " You and Bella just have bad taste."

_**51 things Emmett is Not Allowed To Do; 19 & 20**_

_19. Sing any songs generally associated with Gwen Stefani..._

_20. ...or Britney Spears_

**Emmett was in a severely dangerous mood. The mood that could kill with one simple note. The mood that will make any person deaf...if they were lucky. The mood that would make anyone beg on their hands and knees just to stop it. What was the mood, you ask? Simple. He was in his singing mood. **

I can't see why everyone tells me to stop singing. I have the most awesomest singing voice in the world. I could be the next American Idol winner...person...thingy.

I screwed up big time with Carlisle yesterday so I was going to sing to him to make up for crushing all of his expensive hospital equipment with my toy monster truck. I can't wait to get one in real life! It'll be, like, 20 times bigger!

"Oh daddy! I love you and I have to tell you. You're the best father a vampire like me could have." A pause. "You want to hear my song?" I was following him around his home office space.

"Not really so—"

"Okay, great. Here I go." I took a deep breath, preparing my beautiful musical voice that would win me twenty thousand enemies, or wait a minute. Is it supposed to be Emmy's? Oh, well, same thing. I think. I hope. Maybe.

"_If I could be sweet. I know I've been a real bad girl, I didn't mean for you to be hurt whatsoever. We can make it better. Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet? I want to get away to our sweet escape. I want to get away, yeah. You held me down, I'm at my lowest boiling point. Come help me out," _

Just then Jasper walked by with a civil war book in hand like always. I couldn't help but to notice Carlisle mouth 'come help me out of here' I didn't know he knew this song. He only got the 'of here' wrong. I'm so proud of him.

"I was the victim last time so deal with it. You created him." Jasper said without looking up from his book. What he sees in those things I have no idea. Hey, are they talking about me?

"_I need to get me out of this joint."_

"Yes please someone come and take me away!" Carlisle started to beg. Ooh, I like that part but it doesn't come in for awhile. Maybe I should tell him. No, let's let him make a retard out of himself for a while longer.

"_Come on, let's bounce, counting on you to turn me around. Instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground."_

"Yes, Emmett stop clowning around. Here is our common ground, now get off of it or I will be forced to end your life that I unthinkably gave to you."

"Yes Emmett, stop singing Gwen Stefani. She is not the person to be copying for your song choice." Bella said, walking by. She and Edward were headed to his room it looked like. Wonder what they are going to be doing up there all alone with the door shut and the lights off and with that huge bed in the middle of the room. I know! They're playing hide and seek. Bella's probably going to hide in the bed and wait for Edward to come and get her.

Nothing wrong with that. I'll probably go join them as soon as—"Ooh, that reminds me of a song!"

"_Boy don't try to front ah, ah. I know just what you are ah,ah. You say I'm crazy, I got you crazy. You're nothing but a womanizer."_

Edwards voice echoed irritably from his room. He probably hasn't found Bella yet. "How does this remind you of that song.

Stupid Edward, always interrupting me. "Well, Bella's a girl isn't he—I mean—she." Suddenly, there was a growl. Ooh, I guess he found her. "My turn next!"

"_Maybe if we both lived in a different world, it would be all good, and maybe I could be ya girl, b__ut I can't 'cause we don't._ _Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer, oh. Womanizer oh, you are a womanizer, baby  
You you you are, you you you are, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer." _I waited for the applause, but there was none. How rude. "Okay, I'm done."

"Thank god!" Carlisle mutter, running from the room, permanently scarred for the rest of his vampire life.

"Bella, Edward, here I come!"

"Oh shit!" Edward groaned. He must know I'm going to beat them.

**That's it. As for those who noticed numbers 14 through 16 were missing, we just wanted you to notice they were already written by the writer of the list (the indifferent child of earth). **

**Just back from the awesome trip. Just kidding it was so boring. Screaming kids, hollering parents, the smell of dead rodents(wait, how did that get there?) You should get the point. Not fun.**

**Read and Review. **


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